Hey, this is my first draft for another monologue I have to write for uni, it is called, Innocence In The Hands Of An Adult and is a dramatic monologue that I will be submitting for preference at the Life festival in preston, http://www.prestonguild2012.com/?OBH=413&ID=404 which will be on from 15th to the 18th of March. Please have a read of the monologue it is only short and please let me know what you think of it. Please be warned it may be quite disturbing in some places and it is not based on anyone or anything that I know about. Hope you like it.
Also another thing that happened today was that I had a meeting in which I presented three ideas for short films and one was chosen. I will be posting the first draft of the script on this blog, sometime in the future, the title of this one will be called Mirror. Mirror.
Reblogged this on Words Form Windows.
I like the idea behind this a lot. it’s never really stated what he did. My assumption was that he was convicted for sexually molesting the girl. Sam, however, sees himself as an innocent man because he felt love for her. This is a very interesting concept. However, I felt the scene lacked something. After pondering on this for a few minutes… I think the mood of Sam is too one sided. He’s basically whining through the whole scene. I would like to see more of his anger, frustration, and misdirected feelings of affection. Maybe while he talks about the things that were done to him in prison he drops to his knees and punches the dead guy in the face repeatedly, or, as he talks about his love for the girl he carves a heart in the flesh of his arm. Something to give it some grit. I also felt some confusion about the part of the dad. Why is it in there? Did the dad abuse him as a child? Did he fall in love with the girl to spite his dad? Including some relevance between the backstory of the dad and the current situation would also tighten it up.
Thank you so much. I was thinking there was something missing from it. I just couldn’t think what it was. Thank you for your comment – you have helped a lot. Appreciate it. I’m glad you liked it as well.
You’re welcome! Good luck!
I think it’s a great story. Really enjoyed it…had me on the edge of my chair. Nice job!
I was not convinced that Sam was a Doctor. His language sounded to me unbelievable for a Doctor. Why did you mention the rope was he going to use it? The horror of what he did was not fully articulated. I liked the description of the knife sliding in. That came across as truely awful. I agree with the other commentator Sam was whining. I think there is an opportunity to make this really work. Good luck and carry on.
Hi Katie, thank you for your comment. I have been trying to make him sound more like a doctor but am struggling a little bit – do you have any advice on how to get across that he is a doctor?
I mentioned the rope as he was about to use to hang himself, I am going to make this clearer in the next draft but I didn’t want to show it as it is supposed to be for minimalistic theatre. So I had the in my head, the lights fading down as he puts the rope over his head.
Thank you for your feedback, I really appreciate it.
Hey, I have redrafted this script and posted it on my blog. I hope you can find time to read it and let me know what you think. I have tried to take your comments into account. I really hope you like it. Let me know what you think, there is still time for another draft. Here is the link, http://wp.me/p1Cqm8-5Q
Luke